There were marines holding Uzis and army guys holding AK-47s around every corner. We were just about to walk out of the airport when a customs officer came running at us telling us to stop and get rid of our remote control helicopter which we bought in Malaysia. We were like whaaaattt? Hell nahhh bitch! But apparently these things can be used as spy gear so we were forced to dump it at the airport. I didn’t really want to get shot over a toy helicopter so we let it go (besides we could buy another on the way back home).

We thought… wow this defence minister is a bit paranoid… and then we experienced the billions of check points we had to go through to get into Colombo. It’s ridiculous! Every 5 minutes you would be asked to pull over and show your ID (in our case our passports). 4 or 5 army officers would hold AK-47s at the front and sides of the vehicles. If they found something suspicious they would just go nuts and shoot the crap out of the vehicle killing anything inside. They would sometimes search the van for any Tamils that we may be smuggling and waste about 5 minutes of our lives at each stop. In order to travel about 12km it would take around 1 hour. A bit stressful to say the least but don’t let this deter you. Sri Lanka is still worth the visit.

One of the many things I love about Sri Lanka is the food. If you like rice, curry and all the spices you will love it too. In fact you can find very similar food in both Malaysia and Sri Lanka. The general rule is – The more traditional the food, the cheaper it is and the tastier it is. Here is a packet of Lamprais in Sri Lanka. It is served on banana leaves and contains chicken curry, rice, and other sambols which go together well:

A meal like this would cost about 150Rps which is about $1.50AU (depending on where you get it). A food court in a shopping centre would probably sell the same thing for about $2.50AU.

If you take a drive away from Colombo, you will notice the congestion and pollution fades away into the distance and you will realise just how beautiful and untouched the island is. My favourite place of serenity was the Kandalama Hotel. It is a hotel ingeniously built in a rock face. The hotel walls make use of the rock that surrounds it. One of the nicest hotels I have ever seen. Here is the view from its eating area:

At night the hotel room window provides remarkable views of wildlife which frolic around both close by and in the distance. Elephants never cease to be majestic.

We took a trip to the Pinnawala Elephant orphanage. A lot of these elephants were victims of the lengthy war in the country. Some were missing feet, others lost their parents and were brought up by mahouts but all the elephants at the orphanage looked alive and healthy.

The elephants bath in water which is located directly below a hotel restaurant. Here we had a few beers and watched the elephants. It’s a spectacular view that will be rare to clone in a single life time:

The drinks are incredibly cheap. A tally of Carlsberg beer costs $2.50AU at restaurant prices. I started to like Sri Lanka a whole lot more…

Despite things being cheap, I found myself spending a lot of money in Sri Lanka. The country is taking a few good strides in the right direction but its current state is quite eye opening. Whenever I saw a cleaner or a driver I was curious to ask their wage. Their stories would have me throwing money at them.
In Sri Lanka people get paid monthly. A driver, if he works 30 days straight will get $150AU for his efforts. As a driver you are expected to sleep in the van if there is no accommodation for you with the party you are driving. You are required to sit and wait until the party you are driving has finished doing what they are doing. You are pretty much on call 24/7.

A house cleaner gets $4 for a full day’s work. If he takes a break within his monthly pay schedule, he will earn only $3 a day. To give you an idea of how cheap labour is: I couldn’t find an automatically opening door with a sensor. There is no value in investing in such equipment when all you need is a person paid with chips and tips to open doors. The most saddening part of the Sri Lankan economy is that even though wages are so low, grocery shopping at the supermarket is only slightly cheaper than the Australian Coles. How does a person earning $4 a day afford $40 worth of groceries in a week? Especially when they get paid monthly?

There are wondrous things to see and do in Sri Lanka. I highly recommend leaving Colombo and staying at Kandalama Hotel and Sigirya Village Hotel. These hotels are definitely worthy of a honeymoon stay and the service at hotels is hard to beat in other parts of the world.

1. Play with a gun

I was so sad that I couldn’t get to play with a gun. This was the major thing I wanted to do but no matter how much money I flashed I couldn’t get a gun to my hand. Apparently they would lose their job if they let me play with their piece but I think I just didn’t have the right connections because my cousins have been able to play with guns in the past. It may have been easier during the war I guess? This is as close as I got:

2. Chase a monkey

3. Play cricket with street kids

4. Ride an elephant

I bought this elephant for $40

5. Give a poor person lots of money

I was initially going to give one person a lot of money but ended up giving away a lot of money to various people that told me sob stories. They need the money more than me anyway. I took a photo just for the purpose of completing my ‘to do’ list of the money I gave to our driver.

15,000Rps is around $150. I thought it was a nice figure considering the fact that he gets paid that amount for a month of work. He was highly appreciative.

6. Slap a cow on the arse

I had a failed attempt at slapping cows on the arse but promise you I was able to slap a buffalo on the arse. It took off in the opposite direction and it was quite hilarious. The cows are so skinny over there compared to the Aussie cows here. P.S My hair is oily because I had just gotten some weird body massage where they tried to break me in half after rubbing oil everywhere and told me to keep it on for a few hours. WEIRD!

7. Wear a stupid cap everywhere

8. Find a giant guava

I was hoping I’d find a larger one. Last time I was in Malaysia I found a guava that was the size of a rock melon. It was ridiculous. This one doesn’t compare but is still larger than the usual. I guess it just wasn’t the right time for the giant, mutated, rock melon guava.

9. Get drunk with a non-english speaker

This is Dinesh, our driver. He doesn’t speak a word of English. Well I taught him how to say sperm but that’s about it. We got along like a house on fire. He would listen to what I had to say and just smile. I got him really drunk on pina coladas. It was the first time he’s ever had a cocktail and loved it.

10. Ride a scooter in a hotel hall

We bought electric scooters in Malaysia for about $100 and decided to charge them up in the hotel room then take it for a spin at night. That was kind of fun. I kept banging into hotel room doors.

11. Buy a single cigarette

This is my single cigarette! I bought it for 19Rps which is about 19 cents. You basically just walk into a food store and go… 1 cigarette please. They pull it out of a packet and give it to you…. huh!

I thought, wow cigarettes are so cheap. I should start smoking…Why don’t I smoke?

And then I started acting pompous with my single cigarette and realised… that’s why I don’t smoke.

12. Bribe a cop

I was worried about this challenge. I didn’t know how I could get this done without looking like a total idiot and having a valid reason to bribe a cop but the challenge dropped in my lap (so to speak).

Our driver was charged with overtaking dangerously – a fine of 500Rps which is $5AU (haha). Later, on inspection of the driver’s license, the police officer found that he was driving a heavy vehicle without a heavy vehicle license. The driver had to stop driving and make his way to the police station to pay the fine. I walked in with him as I was paying for the fine. The cop that actually booked him took the money. I gave him an extra 500Rps and asked if our same driver could drive us to the van depot so we could get another driver (even though we kept the same driver because he was cool). The cop said yeah… so I said … can I also take a photo? And he was fine with it…after all I paid for it hehe!

The police over there actually get a commission for handing out a certain amount of fines. They are happy to take bribes.

13. Challenge a local at pool

It was close. We ran out of time. He was really good! I won the first game, he won the second, I won the 3^rd but we really needed to play to the best of 5.

14. Drink out of a jug

The jug is made out of pure glass (not plastic). It’s heavy and could do a lot of damage across someone’s face.

15. Eat something I’ve never had before

In Malaysia I ate some deer chilli dish. Apparently deer meat is eaten often in New Zealand but I have never had it before so I was keen on trying some. It tasted great! I don’t know if it was just the way it was prepared or the meat itself but I smashed the plate of deer meat. Recommend++

16. Drive a trishaw/tuktuk

These are actually quite hard to drive. They have scooter like gears. You have to turn the handle down to drop gears and turn it back towards you to hit a lower gear.  The clutch is sensitive and I found myself holding it down and just revving the juice out of the lawn-mower-like engine.

This ‘to do’ list brought some great memories on a trip that came with natural adventure and challenges. Why not try make a ‘to do’ list on your next trip abroad? I’m sure you’ll find it just as fun as I did!

I recently returned from this year’s curry camp. It was held at Lake Perseverance in Crows Nest or something like that (I think near Toowoomba). It’s out in the middle of nowhere and totally a Blair Witch scene. Most of the camp is spent making fun of our parents. I have to be grateful here as my parents brought me up very much blind to most Sri Lankan stereotypes.  Apparently there are stereotypical Sri Lankan parents that are overprotective, embarrassing at the best of times and totally racist. My parents are just embarrassing.

To get to know my heritage, I participated in many ‘Sri Lankan’ traditions. I also include some of my traditions when going on these camps.  I would like to show you some of the photos so you get a good understanding of Sri Lankan culture:

First of all, it’s all about pouring yourself a drink of scotch that is way too strong and will put you on your arse in about 20 minutes flat. Within these 20 minutes you have to make the most out of your time by participating in as many activities as you can….

Activity one, I took my chances and had a go at Sri Lankan drunken boxing:

Both parties need to have a drink in their hand. Punches are thrown but the winner is the one with the most aggression in their eyes and the most bruises.

I then had a go at some Sri Lankan dancing:

Sri Lankan music is called Baila. It’s basically the same set of songs remixed by millions of artists and most of the songs sound incredibly terrible. The more retarded you look while dancing, the better baila dancer you are. The aim here is to dance with a drink but not spill it.
As you can see. I’m a terrible baila dancer:

This year we brought an unlimited supply of glow sticks. This was great. I had hours of fun with the vibrant colours. I came up with the idea to tie glow sticks to possums but possums are ridiculously fast and can hear me coming from a mile away.

The only real problem with that many glow sticks is that they become like sand at the beach. They start to creep into all your crevises and you don’t know how it got there:

My night was getting good, but then I had my first warning that my time was running out. I took my first fall:

Oh no. I think I’m a bit intoxicated!

But then I saw a couples photo being taken, and by tradition, I had to get into the photo and ruin it for them by looking like a rapist/pedo:

I have to say, years of practice and now I am quite good at being a ninja behind photos. They really don’t see me coming. They ask me what my secret is. I tell them it’s a mix between magic and departicalisation. I have ruined many moments. Most of which are deleted from the digital camera straight away. Above is one that got through.

A few more rounds of drunken boxing and I was feeling quite alive again. The girl in the photo below was wearing pants that can only be described as Bruce Lee’s pants in ‘Enter the Dragon’. These pants were so cool but made me want to throw kicks at her as recently I have had several encounters which made me believe I am about as fast as Bruce Lee.

I was trying extremely hard not to clothes line her off the railing she was sitting on.

A Sri Lankan camp is not a Sri Lankan camp without the touching of the golden chest. This is where all the guys grope the guy with the best chest. This is either judged by a chest feeling like a female’s breasts or a manly chest that is good to squeeze. Either way I don’t condone this as it was my chest that was being groped:

I do look quite proud over my win though.

A little bit more partying took place. I became a general annoyance to everyone:

….and more annoying once we found the megaphone:

Just as I peaked and was singing great renditions of Whitney Houston and Celine Deon songs, my time came crashing down….

I fell and I couldn’t get up. Now I know how that Japanese homeless bum felt when he was abusing me at the Hiroshima train station. He was too drunk to walk over and abuse me so he asked me to walk over to him. Good times.

I hope reading this has educated you on the culture of Sri Lanka. There is not much to being Sri Lankan and if you find that you are an outsider, here are three tips to fitting in:

• Drink excessively and shout everything you’re saying
• Use lots of hand gestures and dance like you have no control over your own legs.
• Complain about everything around you

Hope you can join me for the next Sri Lankan camp.