A few months ago I put on my ear muffs and walked into the transport department. Needless to say it was a circus run by apes. There was a blood patch on the carpet. I can only imagine this blood belonged to a patient civilian who had a waiting period of over five hours and was overcome by cabin fever. I went in to see what I can do about getting my license. I was told I had to renew my learner’s license as it had expired a while ago…. That’s fine, let’s do that. Then I was given an inane package with lots of smiling faces, car keys and other annoying things on the cover.

I asked what the package was. The lady behind the counter explained that it’s the new learner logbook which I had to fill out to prove I’ve driven over a billion hours before I can even sit the test to test that I can drive….I said “but I’ve had my learner’s license for over 6 years, can’t you just change that L to a P on my license in the computer and I’ll be on my merry way?”. Apparently that’s not legal.

She comforted me with a judicious statement about how I can just write a letter stating that I’ve had my license for forever and to roughly provide an explanation of the driving I did during that time. I took one last punt at getting my license on that day by challenging the lady behind the counter to a drag race. She laughed approvingly but never told me a time and place so I think she wasn’t up for it.

I get home and leave it for a month or so before writing the letter to the transport department. I write a very short and sweet letter roughly stating:

To whom it may concern,
I’ve had my learner’s license for roughly 6 years in which I have done copious amounts of driving and gained far more experience than required by your new tedious policy. If I drove to the local food store once a week, I would still have enough experience to sit your test.

Anyway in case that didn’t work I even included some specific routes I used to drive, the registration of my car, the distance of travel etcetera. I thought I had it covered and sent off my logbook but alas I got a call telling me I did it wrong. After being turned down to yet another drag racing challenge, I waited for this logbook to come back to me via the mail so I could try again.

I get a letter with my logbook telling me all the things I left out…. this list was exceptional. I’m talking about… they wanted odometer readings and other useless information. The whole experience left me lugubrious (as dealings with the transport department usually do) so I wrote a letter back which had no relevance to the logbook or anything for that matter.

It went something like this:

Whoever sent me my logbook,
The numerous dot points you have collated describing my ‘lack of detail’ is asking quite a lot of me. I don’t really remember the odometer all those years ago. I do however collect and label my stool samples. I have been doing this since 1998. I can send these to you but I’m afraid this will not help anyone (nor will my odometer readings).

Sending the logbook simultaneously with my letter meant that I didn’t have to pay for postage. It also meant they had to respond by sending my book back. This was a loophole in the system which provided me with a ‘free abuse’ ticket. I got a call back from the same lady as before telling me what I had done earlier was ok but I had to just put all my driving routes into the logbook and all will be fine. The only oversight was that I had driving on there with an expired license. Once again they sent me back this damn logbook.

Having no clue of when my license was expired and when it was valid, I demanded to see a dissertation on the positive implications that the new logbook policy brings to the rudiments of driving. I once again received my logbook. I never received a dissertation.

Sad and frustrated I sent another letter to the transport department providing my driver’s license number. This time it didn’t have the logbook but the careful charming of the postage lady and a tiny white lie which told her it was an amendment letter which was supposed to be attached with my already-sent logbook got me yet another ‘free abuse’ ticket….

Hello,
I’m sure your elaborate governance and attention to detail within departmental records will provide a history of my battle with the new logbook policy for learner drivers. It appears that no matter what I do I cannot satisfy the needs of the transport department. While I understand the policy is written in stone and therefore personal discretion and common sense can’t be used, I’m dejectedly out of options.

Out of frustration I have burnt my learner logbook and therefore cannot provide you with the essential information you require. In the past, however, I have provided details of my driving which genuinely cover the required target presented by your stone policy. I plead that the department does the appropriate thing and deems me fit to sit the test.

The losers sent me a new bloody logbook! What assholes!
So now I have two….. because I didn’t really burn it.

I shall continue to tango with the transport department purely on principal and entertainment value.

• Compulsory voting was created by power hungry politicians who knew that winning votes on policy merit alone was never going to get them anywhere. By including the demographic that didn’t give two hoots about who would win the election they opened up marketing strategies, funny names, free gifts and great profile photos as the keys to success
• All politicians have great haircuts
•  Every politician has a sidekick which, unlike superhero comics, is much better than the politicians themselves in managing and providing what was promised
• Politicians are under qualified and overpaid

But hey, even though I’m all sour grapes about the political system I truly do love voting… It’s a great game. A lot of people underestimate the amount of fun that can be brought from a day of observation and the maltreatment of Queensland’s future.

I remember my last voting experience like it was yesterday. I made my way to the closest primary school in my area. The car park was full of cars and there was a line-up of locals which extended far beyond the front gate. I thought, Oh poo there’s a big line-up of locals…but wait there are lovely ladies handing out reading material for my wait. I get to the line and I’m bombarded with photos of old men’s faces and lovely bright text telling me to ‘VOTE HOWARD’. The bright colours had my attention for a good part of my wait but I was getting bored so I decided to start looking at everybody in the queue. It was amazing that almost everyone was pulling the same face. It was the face of apathy, lethargy and ennui all rolled up in one which gives a look like this (if you were wondering):

The voting face

Further down in the queue and I received more posters and brochures telling me absolutely nothing about what changes were going to be made by this politician, but rather a mellow motto which was as specific as a horoscope.

“Bob PooFace – Changing your community for the better”

I mean isn’t that what a politician’s policies are basically? It’s not really a promise but rather a crafty generalised prediction that probably won’t happen but we can pretend it did with ‘it’s somewhat done’ clauses.

If only I found one brochure out of the lot that said something like “Mike Smith – Will make your neighbourhood better with more visits from Home Ice Cream” he would have had my vote hands down but sadly politicians aren’t that accommodating (another interesting fact).

So anyway, I get to the part where I have to vote, and I’m in two minds as to who to vote for… In my left hand I have a photo of a man that has a nose that would bring me much laughter every time I saw him in the media but in my right hand I have Bob PooFace who has promised me the world. I couldn’t make the choice (and couldn’t fill out the ballot properly) so I looked over my mum‘s shoulder as she chooses her votes wisely (or at least it seemed with the way she was concentrating on her ballot). I just copied what she wrote and walked out with a warm feeling (the feeling of not having to pay a fine for not voting) and now we have a recession but I think this was a coincidence and not because I voted indolently.

Well this time around I’m definitely not going to do the same thing. In fact I’ve taken the liberty to do some research before I vote. Now that I’m all ‘educated’ on politics I am very much looking forward to this upcoming election for one very big reason. My good friend Evan Moorhead is waiting for my vote (he doesn’t know me). I know I’m going to vote for him because I have already checked all his other competitors and they have far less comedic names.

What’s the moral of this story? Even the most boring and compulsory activities can be made fun with bright colours, tiny pencils and lucky-dip style ballot collection boxes. So next time you have to vote don’t complain about it. Be a good civilian and vote for your favourite face.