We had originally planned on having some drinks at the pub and later going for the Brisbane Lions Vs Sydney Swans game. Being only a hop, skip and jump away from the stadium, we decided this was a bad idea as it started raining and there was more scotch and coke to be drunk at the premises we were residing at. We felt like we were doing Australia a favour by increasing the average amount of litres of beer and scotch drunk per year on average (which we and a strange Czechoslovakian man found quite appallingly low as stated on the back of a keno card). Apparently only 97.6L of beer is drunk per year on average per person, and even less on spirits… Come on Australia…. Lift your game! This Czechoslovakian man had a thing for Dave. Unfortunately Dave couldn’t really understand much of what he was saying to spark up a true and meaningful relationship, so the man slowly departed after a long and contented chat.

During our hours of drinking, we had enough time to talk about many meaningful and academic subjects. Unfortunately, we only really spoke a lot of crap about nothing (but you must admit this is the best kind of conversation). We did, however, come up with some potentially great ideas.

Our first idea, which has been an up and running idea for quite some time is to develop electronic transfers of physical objects such as pizza, scotch, beer, pretzels etc. This will not only be an efficient and revolutionary achievement for the advancement of human civilization but a very easy-to-use way for me and Will to exchange scotch and kebabs during famine emergencies. The money earned from such a superior technology would allow me to buy my $6 million dream house as well as fulfill my long-term plans of hiring Romanian thugs to abolish the use of inefficient, non-cute acronyms and shortcut English from the internet and the vocabularies of all ignorant adolescents/children (maintain KOCS). This technology will also change the face of importing and exporting but that’s not nearly as important.

Our second idea was to optimize the Australian taxi service as we see it today. Ever wanted to be carried to your cab from wherever you sit, dropped off at your place, put in bed and have a taxi driver which speaks proficient English (no questions asked)? Well I do! On the way to Dave’s place the taxi driver provided us with a business card. With it he said, “If you want English speaking cab drivers you can call this number. We can guarantee these will be English speaking cab drivers but you will be charged a surcharge of $11.” I thought…wow (he also tried to put on an Indian accent which was quite amusing) that’s a bit shit…but hey, if that’s not a sprouting idea for our taxi cab business, then what is! We can simply provide a surcharge for our services but have your information in a database through your mobile phone’s IMEI number. This way we know who made the call. We can then pick you up from wherever the call was made, carry you to the cab, take you home, put you in bed, and then send an invoice later on in the week when you are sober and able to pay for it.

Those were our key ideas. We had another idea but I forgot what it was. I’m sure it was equally as good as the others. I’m actually amazed that I’m still up and writing. I took a short break from writing this blog and started playing Prince of Persia on Playstation 3. I am great at this game now that I know how to kill people in it. It takes me a while to learn how to play games. I would classify myself as a quick learner of a lot of things, but not video games. I am about as good as a blind child trying to play badminton with soundproof ear muffs on. I would like to take my statement back as being a quick learner. I don’t think I am.

Anyway I have nearly completed most of the things on Prince of Persia. In a sense I feel quite happy about it as I have never really played a game for longer than about 4 hours before totally giving up and sulking in a corner. This game, although hard at first as I didn’t know how to do any damage to the things I was supposed to kill, has turned out to be quite awesome.

I’m now going to warm up some spicy lamb sausages. I think vomiting my food up at Dave’s place thanks to his super spicy sauce (which actually had a warning for drunken people not to eat it) has made me hungry again. That sauce is ridiculous. While I was vomiting the sauce, the fumes from my vomit actually made my eyes burn. I can only hope the sauce is not so punishing tomorrow morning on the toilet. You should try these spicy lamb sausages. They are delicious.

 I love animals and have a beautiful dog of my own. I must admit I treat her like a daughter and celebrate her birthday with a big dog treat, but that’s as far as I will go in terms of personifying my relationship with my dog. I for one can tell the difference between a dog and a human being but there are a lot out there that cannot distinguish this gap, and this number is increasing. Here are just a very few examples from a plethora demonstrating the merging between the dog species and the human species:

• Leashes for babies
• Car Seats for dogs
• Baby/Dog Birthday cards
• Balloons with paw prints
• Pet motels
• Dog clothing
• Dog Grooming
• Dog Party Planners
• Dog Spa Products
• Dog Umbrellas

It recently came to my attention that people have decided to take the personifying of dogs to a totally new level. Some moron out there decided that it was a good idea to elope their dog with another dog. There are various issues with this to start with:

1. How does a dog stay faithful to the one dog till death do them part? Do they even know of this sacred contract? Have they heard of the term monogamy? Probably not right, I mean they’re just dogs…
2. How do you know that dog is in love with that other dog or if it’s just lust? We as humans make that decision on our own. You can’t just say… “aww look they get along so well. Let’s marry them.”

…and if this wasn’t enough, a bigger moron in India decided to marry their nine year old child off to a dog to protect their child from evil (there has actually been several cases of this). Now she is protected from evil, but she is cursed with the life-long marriage to a dog. What is worse? It seems that some people are just stupid and I just put it down to pure and simple stupidity, although some of us see the irony in this situation a lot more than others:

 Even though this is some pretty weird stuff, a huge market has been opened for stupid inventions within the grey area of babies and dogs. Now that this market is growing, it is time to think of the future.  I have started to develop some ideas over a few drinks and have come up with the following concepts which will no doubt be appealing to those “Pet Parents” which treat their dogs like babies:

The fetchsaber

Demonstration of the fetchsaber in use

Pretty much speaks for itself. I know my dog loves a good game of fetch with a stick. Why not try a fetchsaber. It comes with the following advantages:

• You can play endless fetch games in the dark and not be worried about losing your stick
• It is very easy to spot when throwing into the waves at the beach
• As your dog runs around, the stick will look like it’s moving by itself. This provides a party ambiance

The TITAN surgical collar

Ever seen a dog with a surgical collar and felt sorry for the poor fella’? Doesn’t every dog with a surgical collar look down and low on confidence? Why not spruce up their surgical collar wearing period with a TITAN surgical collar!

Before and After Shot - Stand out difference in fashion

The TITAN surgical collar comfortably prevents the dog from picking at their surgical wounds while at the same time providing comfort and confidence with style and fashion for the dog. Parents don’t be too alarmed, here are the following advantages:

• Fashionable outfit masking the traumatic time for your dog
• Novelty for the pet’s parents as their dog is temporarily turned into a fashionable robot-looking badger/dog
• Provides neck support and covering of surgical wound
• Water proof

The dog play chair

Ever seen a baby in a play chair with all these toys surrounding it? If you haven’t trust me… they have a ball just rolling themselves around while distracted with dangling objects. Now I bring you the same concept only this one accommodates all the entertainment needs for a dog:

Dog play chair

The aforementioned design includes intricate detail in order to ensure your dog is as comfortable as he can be in his play chair. With neck support, adjustable height levels and 4 holes for each leg of a dog; your dog will have endless fun chasing the bone he will never reach.

The following safety features have been incorporated:

• Wheel stoppers for steep inclines
• Tail hole for those dogs with longer tails than others
• A broad base to negate toppling from over exertion 

Phone MUM

Phone MUM - Pet telephone service

Has your partner ever passed the phone over to your dog; only to hear the cute barks and panting of your loved pet over the phone? I haven’t but I’m sure it’s lovely. What if you could have spontaneous out-of-the-blue phone calls from your pet?… and wait for it… They can call you on their own! You’d pay a million dollars for that right?

Well here it is: The phone mum telephone for your pet.  All your pet has to do is push the paw shaped button on his personal pet phone and get a direct connection to your selected phone number (user programmed). Your pet will then be put on speaker where it can hear your voice and respond to any remote commands that you give it.

Features:

• Paw shaped button, accessible to any sized pet (but not extremely large ones)
• Display Screen for phone number programming
• Durable plastic for outside use
• Available in various colours

Velcro Muzzle

Velcro Muzzle. Impress your friends!

Ever played a game of catch with a friend but he dropped the ball all the time? Then ever bought those Velcro hand things from Toy World and played with that friend; making it 3 times better because now the ball actually stuck when you threw it at him? Now just swap the word ‘friend’ with ‘dog’ in that previous statement and you have VELCRO MUZZLE!

Yes this intuitive but dog-friendly product will allow even the most uncoordinated of dogs to have a chance at playing in the big leagues (with you at the park). The genius design takes advantage of the dog’s instinct to catch the ball in its mouth, only to let the Velcro do the catching for it! Have hours of fun as the dog looks for where the hell the ball actually went!

Features:

• Security standard muzzle performance
• Available in all colours for all dog shapes and sizes
• Machine washable
• No more slobber all over the tennis ball

Feel free to use or modify my ideas. I only ask that you let me know of your concepts before you make millions of dollars from them.