OK… before ordering your pizza please check retailmenot.com for the best coupons on offer. You definitely need a coupon because the regular price is at least double what you can essentially get the price down to. Retailmenot is updated regularly so if you find that the coupons aren’t working ensure that you bookmark the site for later use on your next pizza purchase. I usually get pizzas for $4.95 on most days thanks to this site.

NEXT…Go to the Dominos website, pick your store and get to the pizza selection screen.

Yes they have a lot to choose from! You may notice that they categorise their pizzas with classic, traditional, big taste and ‘make your own’. Let’s rule out making your own pizza for the simple fact that you can only choose 4 toppings to put on it. This is crap and you will soon find out why…

The categories are basically your price levels in pizza. Classic and traditional are usually the same prices but the ‘big taste’ pizzas are an extra $2.95. This is a big deal because what you’re basically getting is a few more toppings and a unique ingredient such as prawns for that value….. or are you?

Here’s what I’ve found. If you order a traditional pizza and take off 2 toppings and replace it with a different two toppings, you do not pay any extra. Within these toppings you can even select prawns as a topping and you will only pay the same as a traditional pizza. Awesome right! Well it’s extra awesome if you choose the right pizza!

The pizzas under ‘traditional’ have a varying number of toppings averaging about 6 or 7. The 70’s lot pizza has a whopping 11 toppings already selected on the pizza! This I have found is best value for money.

I select the 70’s lot, I then proceed to take off the toppings I least desire and add different combinations to try some awesome new pizzas for cheap. You can take away mushrooms and olives if you want, then replace them with prawns and Italian sausage.

So here is my great pizza for $4.95!

Why not try it next time!

It all started when I saw that I was developing a slight belly after drinking a lot of beer and sitting on office chairs all day. My idea to turn this around was to go back to my days of working out and martial arts. My attempt to restart my healthier life schedule made me depressed as I realised the retreat of any progress I had previously made but a bit of motivation from my friends and my lovely dog that persuades me to take her for exceedingly long walks everyday has made me fitter than ever.

Today, on the way home from indoor cricket, I realised I was getting too fit. I was one iPod shuffle away from being the douche who wakes up at 4am for a protein shake and a quick jog before starting a joyful morning. This had to stop as I was missing the couch potato, laid back attitude I had on everything. I even started watching the news and reading newspapers!  Anyway… on the car ride home from cricket, I thought to myself… what’s the easiest way to become a couch potato again? And then it hit me…. A cinewheel couch!

Have you noticed how uncomfortable regular wheelchairs look? I have used a wheelchair at times and the only thing that I don’t like about them is that they’re too basic for my extravagant taste in practicality. So without further adieu, I introduce to you the cinewheel couch:

You are looking at a couch designed as a mode of transport while providing the comfort of home.  Is there a better way to get out there and see the world but still maintain a laid-back lifestyle? Surely not! It’s the perfect mixture of a cinema couch and a wheelchair.

Some specs:

• Electronic joystick control which means you won’t have to push yourself around!
• Cup holders for your drinks complemented with a fridge to store your refills at the perfect temperature
• Optional dolby surround sound speakers with built-in subwoofer for that doof doof on your back
• Titanium wheels with shock absorbers to take on any terrain but still feel like you’re on a cloud
• Italian leather
• Optional reading light
• Optional Air conditioning
• Optional game controller holder for the hardcore gamer
• Ideally the couch would travel at a cruise speed of 80 km/h but I don’t think this would be safe

I feel that this amazing product will not only be a competitor for all wheelchairs on the market but segues as well. I mean how convenient is a segue compared to the cinewheel couch when you have to stand to go everywhere and you have very little resources at your fingertips?

Let me know if you’re interested in helping me develop a prototype because I’m not sure how to get the wheels on the couch and provide a safe shock absorber solution. Thanks.

You may have heard of a similar concept with yearbookyourself.com where you can create your own yearbook photos with all sorts of hairstyles from different eras? Well this website works off a similar concept, except you can put your face on billboards, bus advertisements and other fascinating places.

Photofunia got me thinking…. If someone came up to me and told me I could make any advertisement/publishing I wanted and they would pay for it, what would I do?

Well first and foremost, I would put my ongoing idea of cat-books into action. These books would provide a series of interesting things for cats to view at their pleasure. My first book would educate cats on “The 10 most entertaining characters in the 1990s”:

Then I would provide some public announcements in order to help the community and do my part for society.

Queensland is a great place and factually better than all other states in Australia according to the internet but we still have minor issues. One minor issue is Queensland public transport. The bus way is a great concept if there were actual buses and they weren’t driven by misanthropic people with no common sense (of course this is a stereotype and the bus driver you‘re friends with or related to does not fall under this category). Anyway… to lower the expectations of outsiders and ease any frustration of people who are using the bus system for the very first time, I would like to make a sign like this one:

I have seen a few building construction sites come up in Brisbane recently. The trend seems to be that people don’t like new buildings. They always have something to say about it… “oh it’s blocking my view” etc. I have also noticed that people in the CBD are usually in a rush and have serious faces on all the time. Just because you’re in the business district doesn’t mean you have to keep a business face on! So with that in mind and the fact that most new buildings are often located in the CBD I would like to have a banner like this one:

I know there are a lot of people who love making detailed plans of their holidays. I’m not really a fan of schedules and itineraries but I do like to take a ‘to do’ list. I’ve found that you can turn a boring normal day into spontaneous fun and adventure with a list of goals which don’t require a lot of resources or tedious preparation:

Scenario 1:

Oh no it’s raining and the fishing trip is cancelled! What do we do now? Hmm let’s scan Dom’s awesome ‘To do’ list full of fun and adventure? OK! Want to go out and drink some beers with an old man that doesn’t speak English. OK! Let’s keep drinking until we are so drunk we think we can actually understand him.. OK!

Scenario 2:

Oh no there’s a road block up ahead. They’re checking cars at gun point! How can we turn this boring yet hostile experience into a fun adventure? Hmm let’s scan Dom’s awesome ‘To do’ list full of fun and adventure? OK! Let’s bribe the Army officer to let us play with his gun while we wear these stupid hats! OK!

In a few days I’m off on a semi-adventure. I will be visiting Malaysia, Maldives and Sri Lanka (also known as the armpit of the world). This trip will be a great opportunity for me to provide you with a sample of my amazing documentarian skills. I have created my ‘to do’ list and will be looking to achieve some (if not all) of my goals and document them in photo/video form.

So here is my ‘to do’ list:

I’ll update you on how I go in a few weeks time…..Oh and I wasn’t really in the circus.

If we look back in history, kids were much better behaved during the times where teachers could smack them with rulers, throw things at them and punish them in slightly traumatising ways. Nowadays teachers have to be careful what they say or the child can scream rape. We are really going backwards and then we wonder why crime rates are rising and brainless acts are abundantly evident. It’s a simple case of ‘actions not being met by tough enough consequences’.

Inspired by some of the government drunk-driving advertisements; I came up with the idea to create a series of Children’s books, sponsored by KOCS and deployed with each baby bonus.  These books will provide the necessary education in society’s etiquette and scruples. We shall try to mitigate the generation of badly behaved children at a primary stage of development. 

The books are still under construction but here is the lineup I have thought of so far for the mandatory series to all toddlers:

BOB GOES TO THE SUPERMARKET

TOBY DOESN’T SHARE HIS TOYS

LIZZY LEARNS THE ROAD RULES

MAX GOES TO JAIL

JESS RIDES THE TRAIN 

 I am waiting for an extraordinary illustrator to help me out and provide me with some realistic illustrations to match the text of the story but I didn’t want to leave you guessing as to the method of education these books would use so I have provided some dodgy samples:

BOB GOES TO THE SUPERMARKET:

One day Bob and his mother went to the supermarket to buy healthy groceries, high in nutritional value. They started at the fruit. Bob waited patiently for his mother to select his favourite fruits. Bob loved bananas and apples.

When they got to the confectionery aisle, Bob saw many candy wrappers bright in colour and ever so tempting. His mother looked at Bob and said “Bob that food is bad for you. It may taste good but you shouldn’t eat a lot of it because it is expensive and unhealthy.”

But Bob had his eyes set on some candy. He kicked and screamed repeating the annoying words “But I want it now!”

All the other shoppers were angry at Bob. He was making too much noise in the supermarket.

A few days later and Bob caught a plague. His eyes and teeth began to fall out. He lost his hearing and suffered painfully.

Bob is now dead.

Note: The illustrations are important. Bob deliberately has a mullet in order to deter kids from being like Bob and continuing the look of the mullet. 

 Toby was sitting on the ground happily playing with his new toys he got for his birthday. Toby got a tennis ball and fishing net from his biological Father. He was very happy. 

His friend Eli from next door came over to play with Toby. Eli asked Toby “Is that a sieve?” to which Toby replied, “No, it’s a fishing net Eli.”  

Eli said “Hey, I have a fishing net too. Would you like me to show you how to use that properly? The ball doesn’t go inside there. Fish do!”

Toby, only partially listening to Eli said “No thanks, I don’t share things with people.”

A few days later and Toby caught a plague. His eyes and teeth began to fall out. He lost his hearing and suffered painfully.

Toby is now dead.

If you are a great illustrator and would like to help me develop this essential book series, then please let me know. 

My brother recently tried to have his son baptised to become a member of the Catholic Church; however, he was totally deterred by the arduous process and political constraints you have put on your recruitment procedure.

Firstly, he approached several churches looking to get his son baptised at these locations (based on personal preference) but he was shocked to have most of them say “Sorry, we don’t do baptism here”. Now forgive me if I’m simplifying the process of putting water on a kid’s head, but really… if McDonald’s can give me a sausage McMuffin at 6:30am at any location I go to…. Why is this so hard for a massive corporation like the Vatican to organise?

Secondly, once he found a church which actually “Did Baptism”; he was told he had to call the priest and make an appointment for a meeting/interview. According to my brother, the priest had a schedule that would rival MC Hammer’s during his late 80s to mid 90s fame. During our wait for the meeting we decided to have a look at the ‘rules’ of baptism placed by you (not Jesus). So now he realised his chosen God Parents for the child weren’t able to be the God parents because neither of them were Catholic and according to your arbitrary rules… one of them has to be. I also read somewhere if you are over 18 you need to enter into a program in which you will have to go through a year of studying before you can be baptised and confirmed. Also you need a sponsor (very similar to godparents) to guide you along in your faith. Is this true? Ironically the word ‘Catholic’ references the meaning of being ‘all embracing’ yet the religion does nothing of the sort.

The church is all about tradition, and I believe the way the Catholic Church has interpreted the biblical passages mentioning the work of John the Baptist is inaccurate and does not conform to tradition. John the Baptist never asked Jesus to book an appointment, have a meeting and bring forth God Parents. Jesus just walked up to him and said Baptise me..so he did. His recruitment process was perfect. Somewhere along the lines your CEO decided to trademark (and in the process ruin) this process with constraints and rules. These rules don’t make baptism more sacred or holy, they just filter and discourage.

Now I’m not an expert in analysis but I can certainly see that there is a direct correlation between the diminishing Catholic population and a complex recruitment process. Just in case you cannot see it I have included aids which depict the recruitment flaw and how it affects your revenue stream:

The reason why your process doesn't quite work anymore

Flaws in the recruitment process

I implore you to reconsider the baptismal procedure to incorporate more leniency and efficiency in order to adapt to the expectations of today’s society. Live up to the reputation of being ‘Catholic’ and ‘all embracing’. Make it your mission to be as accommodating as McDonalds and you will find your corporation will thrive (just like McDonalds does).

Yours Sincerely (and wishing you the very best for the future),
Uncle Concerned

I found myself sitting next to my father (the Issmeister), helping him out with looking for some cars on carsales.com.au. I was astonished at how incompetent he was in actually navigating around this website. He firstly had no idea how to fill out a form with more than a single field. Eventually with some aid I made him fill out the fields and walked off. I came back and found him still sitting at the form all filled but looking for a button to click to submit the form. I stood there behind him in utter disbelief as his mouse cursor hovered over the ‘Search Now’ button several times until he eventually went to the top-right corner of the window and just closed the browser. My Dad loves buying and selling cars and I’m sure there are copious amounts of Issmeisters with the same ability in using computers and the same love for cars. Let’s pigeonhole them and say that carsales.com.au lose all this demographic because they can’t use the website properly. When we see this:

Carsales.com.au as we see it

The Issmeister sees this:

The Issmeister is fine with using Google, and reading news articles but as soon as there is too much stimulus on the screen, his eyes totally fail him. It occurred to me though, after surfing millions of websites which all follow these best practices, you become accustomed as to what to expect on a site and can therefore distinguish a button from an image, or a form field from a bordered box…..but there are those who are new to the internet like Issmeister that just have no clue.

Now I’m not saying it would be a valid option for all websites but adding a bit more accessibility for websites with demographics such as old folk, outback farmers etc. would surely be appreciated. One of the methods I thought of was to provide an opening dialogue for those sites…

Intro dialog box

This page will take out any styling which may confuse our most basic internet users. If nothing is done over the span of 1 minute on this first introductory page the site will load at its highest accessibility level:

Basic styling and overload of aids

The same principle is used on this page. Very basic, making sure the buttons have been highlighted in colour and helpful text with arrows.

Same thing...

Instead of overwhelming a simple user with more than one form field at a time, break it up so they only have to read a short sentence and answer one question before looking for a button.

Don't present too much information on the site. This confuses him

Even though these users don’t like a lot of text on screen, they are more than capable of reading large volumes of text in email. This is where the site should provide larger packets of information.

Now I showed my idea to the Issmeister and he said… “See, now that I can use!” He is wondering why all sites aren’t catered to him in this way. I’m thinking if carsales.com.au worked in such fashion, the Issmeister would be their number one customer.

Who wants to help me make websites like this?

Today we covered a few important topics that I would like to share with you. We debated about the meaning of life (this happens at each visit); the difference between lust and love; we also covered capacity and capability. Note that this was a fairly short outing so we couldn’t cover more as we usually do….

It started off with his question… “So what do you think the meaning of life is? What are we here for? Is it to do what we want? … What is it?” to which I traditionally answer “Why don’t you tell me Jesus?” and then he says “Because I want to know what you think” … So then I usually make up something new each time he asks me. Today I told him the meaning of life was to find the best grand piano you can and to find a beautiful house to put it in. To reach that goal he would need money or grand piano/home craftsman skills. He was enthusiastic about creating his own grand piano but didn’t make his feelings apparent right away. He was sidetracked by a new thought that came to his head….

“I want to go on a honeymoon.” to which I replied “I hope you don’t want to go with me…or by yourself. Both are equally creepy Jesus.” He said “no, I would like to have a partner of some sort to go with.” He then asked me “How do you know the difference between lust and love?” to which I explained… “Well…You know how I drink vodka sometimes but feel dirty about it and really wish I had scotch instead?” He said “No.”… … I said “Well never mind because I don’t think that has anything to do with lust or love” but then I remembered a diagram I made a very long time ago which explained the difference between lust and love in my full understanding of the matter (I have little to no understanding) so I told him about it:

Love/Lust Graph

“So Jesus, love and lust is directly dependent on physical attraction versus personality. If you find yourself totally attracted to that person and they have a great personality, then congratulations, you have found love. If she is a fine specimen but she is totally stupid and makes you want to shoot yourself, then you know you’re just there ‘for the ride’ …no pun intended. Speaking of stupid… I saw a door that said ‘keep closed at all times’ (seriously why the hell didn’t you just continue the wall instead of making a door if you wanted it closed at all times? People…sheesh). As for girls with great personalities which you don’t find physically attractive: It’s hard to say. If she’s so great that you end up being attracted to her primarily for her personality then it could be love? I’m not really sure on anything that I’m saying.”

He then said “I don’t think I am capable of making a grand piano”. I said.. “You are capable of doing anything. The only thing that’s stopping you is your crappy attitude Jesus.” Then we started fighting.. He said “not everyone is the same! We have different capacities!” and I said “Yeah but although you may have a greater capacity to learn something faster, we are all capable of getting there in the end” and he kept mentioning the word “capacity”…
Jesus: But Bruce Lee learnt to do 2 fingered push-ups much faster than it would take for my sister to learn it.
Me: Yeah so what? If she practices for 10 years I’m sure she’ll be capable of doing it.
Jesus: I agree only if we were to say anything can happen … like miracles.
Me: Well I am talking to Jesus. Surely you believe in miracles Jesus?
Jesus: But I am a good dancer. There are some people who can’t dance.
Me: But what if those people who ‘can’t dance’ try and learn for 10 years. Surely they will be able ‘to dance’?
Jesus: But not as good as me.
Me: Of course not, you’re Jesus!

This continued for the remainder of my trip home. He threw some analogy, I found some way to argue…. No doubt this is just part 1 of a blog which needs a part 2 because I feel like we have more to discuss on this subject. Stay tuned….

 I love animals and have a beautiful dog of my own. I must admit I treat her like a daughter and celebrate her birthday with a big dog treat, but that’s as far as I will go in terms of personifying my relationship with my dog. I for one can tell the difference between a dog and a human being but there are a lot out there that cannot distinguish this gap, and this number is increasing. Here are just a very few examples from a plethora demonstrating the merging between the dog species and the human species:

• Leashes for babies
• Car Seats for dogs
• Baby/Dog Birthday cards
• Balloons with paw prints
• Pet motels
• Dog clothing
• Dog Grooming
• Dog Party Planners
• Dog Spa Products
• Dog Umbrellas

It recently came to my attention that people have decided to take the personifying of dogs to a totally new level. Some moron out there decided that it was a good idea to elope their dog with another dog. There are various issues with this to start with:

1. How does a dog stay faithful to the one dog till death do them part? Do they even know of this sacred contract? Have they heard of the term monogamy? Probably not right, I mean they’re just dogs…
2. How do you know that dog is in love with that other dog or if it’s just lust? We as humans make that decision on our own. You can’t just say… “aww look they get along so well. Let’s marry them.”

…and if this wasn’t enough, a bigger moron in India decided to marry their nine year old child off to a dog to protect their child from evil (there has actually been several cases of this). Now she is protected from evil, but she is cursed with the life-long marriage to a dog. What is worse? It seems that some people are just stupid and I just put it down to pure and simple stupidity, although some of us see the irony in this situation a lot more than others:

 Even though this is some pretty weird stuff, a huge market has been opened for stupid inventions within the grey area of babies and dogs. Now that this market is growing, it is time to think of the future.  I have started to develop some ideas over a few drinks and have come up with the following concepts which will no doubt be appealing to those “Pet Parents” which treat their dogs like babies:

The fetchsaber

Demonstration of the fetchsaber in use

Pretty much speaks for itself. I know my dog loves a good game of fetch with a stick. Why not try a fetchsaber. It comes with the following advantages:

• You can play endless fetch games in the dark and not be worried about losing your stick
• It is very easy to spot when throwing into the waves at the beach
• As your dog runs around, the stick will look like it’s moving by itself. This provides a party ambiance

The TITAN surgical collar

Ever seen a dog with a surgical collar and felt sorry for the poor fella’? Doesn’t every dog with a surgical collar look down and low on confidence? Why not spruce up their surgical collar wearing period with a TITAN surgical collar!

Before and After Shot - Stand out difference in fashion

The TITAN surgical collar comfortably prevents the dog from picking at their surgical wounds while at the same time providing comfort and confidence with style and fashion for the dog. Parents don’t be too alarmed, here are the following advantages:

• Fashionable outfit masking the traumatic time for your dog
• Novelty for the pet’s parents as their dog is temporarily turned into a fashionable robot-looking badger/dog
• Provides neck support and covering of surgical wound
• Water proof

The dog play chair

Ever seen a baby in a play chair with all these toys surrounding it? If you haven’t trust me… they have a ball just rolling themselves around while distracted with dangling objects. Now I bring you the same concept only this one accommodates all the entertainment needs for a dog:

Dog play chair

The aforementioned design includes intricate detail in order to ensure your dog is as comfortable as he can be in his play chair. With neck support, adjustable height levels and 4 holes for each leg of a dog; your dog will have endless fun chasing the bone he will never reach.

The following safety features have been incorporated:

• Wheel stoppers for steep inclines
• Tail hole for those dogs with longer tails than others
• A broad base to negate toppling from over exertion 

Phone MUM

Phone MUM - Pet telephone service

Has your partner ever passed the phone over to your dog; only to hear the cute barks and panting of your loved pet over the phone? I haven’t but I’m sure it’s lovely. What if you could have spontaneous out-of-the-blue phone calls from your pet?… and wait for it… They can call you on their own! You’d pay a million dollars for that right?

Well here it is: The phone mum telephone for your pet.  All your pet has to do is push the paw shaped button on his personal pet phone and get a direct connection to your selected phone number (user programmed). Your pet will then be put on speaker where it can hear your voice and respond to any remote commands that you give it.

Features:

• Paw shaped button, accessible to any sized pet (but not extremely large ones)
• Display Screen for phone number programming
• Durable plastic for outside use
• Available in various colours

Velcro Muzzle

Velcro Muzzle. Impress your friends!

Ever played a game of catch with a friend but he dropped the ball all the time? Then ever bought those Velcro hand things from Toy World and played with that friend; making it 3 times better because now the ball actually stuck when you threw it at him? Now just swap the word ‘friend’ with ‘dog’ in that previous statement and you have VELCRO MUZZLE!

Yes this intuitive but dog-friendly product will allow even the most uncoordinated of dogs to have a chance at playing in the big leagues (with you at the park). The genius design takes advantage of the dog’s instinct to catch the ball in its mouth, only to let the Velcro do the catching for it! Have hours of fun as the dog looks for where the hell the ball actually went!

Features:

• Security standard muzzle performance
• Available in all colours for all dog shapes and sizes
• Machine washable
• No more slobber all over the tennis ball

Feel free to use or modify my ideas. I only ask that you let me know of your concepts before you make millions of dollars from them.

The association will actively look to provide our younger generations with a chance at a successful life by protesting against the social trends we are currently developing. The most appalling trends include internet slang becoming acceptable in both verbal and textual communication and the emergence of TV shows which cater, not just for our children but also for those on hallucinogens.

If we look at our education system say…20 years ago, it is evident that our current education system has dulled down the criteria of PASS and FAIL as our descending generations become more dependent on calculators, iphones, google and tv for their daily dose of learning. A teacher of mine in high school used to complain to me about this all the time. He used to describe the class pupils as tree stumps and was convinced that technology had short-circuited our brains. He went as far as to say that the leniency of the education system will lead to higher crime rates and backwards steps for civilization and its progress. I’m afraid he may be right; I just hope it’s not too late.

Those of you who are friends with me on facebook have already seen my efforts in maintaining traditional literacy by banning slang and shortcut English on my facebook wall (a large but necessary sacrifice as I have lost many friends). This is, however, only the beginning of my arsenal against idiocracy. I implore anyone who has read up to this point and totally agrees with me to aid me in my battles.

My battle to maintain traditional literacy:

Here are a number of things that you can do to help with the maintenance of English:

• Help me create a facebook application/virus which spiders through all facebook pages and converts any slang and shortcut English into orthodox English.
• Ban slang and shortcut English on your facebook wall. Delete any messages which do not comply.
• Reply to any text messages (phone and internet) which seem dyslexic or unorthodox with – “Please re-type your text message to adhere with English communication standards”.
• Closely monitor your children’s writing habits and discipline any inclusion of lulz, lolz, or any lazy acronyms that they may use frequently.
• Ensure adequate punishment is provided to anyone who uses internet slang in a verbal conversation. E.g. “I was walking to the shops and saw this dog take a crap on the road and as the owner walked past, I said LOLZ”. This requires you to now slap the person telling the story.

My battle to abolish the creation of mindless TV shows for kids:

While I have no real proof at the moment that these TV shows are in fact ruining aptitude for toddlers, I am currently in the process of experimenting with this hypothesis and will find evidential proof. I will then publish my findings for science to appreciate and to demonstrate the significance of KOCS.

My nephew and niece are conveniently my test subjects. My niece has been banned from watching TV shows which lack education whereas my nephew’s favourite TV show is Iggle Piggle (you will see what this is shortly):

Test subject A

Test subject B

It is still early days to see the effects but here is a preview of the shows these 9-10 month old toddlers are being exposed to:

Tara (niece) – Sesame Street:

 

Tyler (nephew) – Iggle Piggle:

You wonder how these kids will fair in school both with social development and aptitude after watching TV Shows like Iggle Piggle. I can only hope the experiment will provide a conclusion long before long-term damage to his intelligence.

Show your support to join KOCS with comments. I’m always looking for new strategies in maintaining the brightness of children. If you have any please share.