An irrational hatred for the QLD Transport department and the tumultuous nature of their queue system (every business process in general) has resulted in the circumvention of getting my driver’s license for approximately 7 years now. This means that I have actually had my learner’s license for 7 years but never took the opportunity to take the test. I now regret my stubborn evasion of this rite of passage as of course, their license policies have just gotten far worse.

A few months ago I put on my ear muffs and walked into the transport department. Needless to say it was a circus run by apes. There was a blood patch on the carpet. I can only imagine this blood belonged to a patient civilian who had a waiting period of over five hours and was overcome by cabin fever. I went in to see what I can do about getting my license. I was told I had to renew my learner’s license as it had expired a while ago…. That’s fine, let’s do that. Then I was given an inane package with lots of smiling faces, car keys and other annoying things on the cover.

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I asked what the package was. The lady behind the counter explained that it’s the new learner logbook which I had to fill out to prove I’ve driven over a billion hours before I can even sit the test to test that I can drive….I said “but I’ve had my learner’s license for over 6 years, can’t you just change that L to a P on my license in the computer and I’ll be on my merry way?”. Apparently that’s not legal.

She comforted me with a judicious statement about how I can just write a letter stating that I’ve had my license for forever and to roughly provide an explanation of the driving I did during that time. I took one last punt at getting my license on that day by challenging the lady behind the counter to a drag race. She laughed approvingly but never told me a time and place so I think she wasn’t up for it.

I get home and leave it for a month or so before writing the letter to the transport department. I write a very short and sweet letter roughly stating:

 

To whom it may concern,
I’ve had my learner’s license for roughly 6 years in which I have done copious amounts of driving and gained far more experience than required by your new tedious policy. If I drove to the local food store once a week, I would still have enough experience to sit your test.

 

Anyway in case that didn’t work I even included some specific routes I used to drive, the registration of my car, the distance of travel etcetera. I thought I had it covered and sent off my logbook but alas I got a call telling me I did it wrong. After being turned down to yet another drag racing challenge, I waited for this logbook to come back to me via the mail so I could try again.

I get a letter with my logbook telling me all the things I left out…. this list was exceptional. I’m talking about… they wanted odometer readings and other useless information. The whole experience left me lugubrious (as dealings with the transport department usually do) so I wrote a letter back which had no relevance to the logbook or anything for that matter.

It went something like this:

Whoever sent me my logbook,
The numerous dot points you have collated describing my ‘lack of detail’ is asking quite a lot of me. I don’t really remember the odometer all those years ago. I do however collect and label my stool samples. I have been doing this since 1998. I can send these to you but I’m afraid this will not help anyone (nor will my odometer readings).

 

Sending the logbook simultaneously with my letter meant that I didn’t have to pay for postage. It also meant they had to respond by sending my book back. This was a loophole in the system which provided me with a ‘free abuse’ ticket. I got a call back from the same lady as before telling me what I had done earlier was ok but I had to just put all my driving routes into the logbook and all will be fine. The only oversight was that I had driving on there with an expired license. Once again they sent me back this damn logbook.

 

Having no clue of when my license was expired and when it was valid, I demanded to see a dissertation on the positive implications that the new logbook policy brings to the rudiments of driving. I once again received my logbook. I never received a dissertation.

 

Sad and frustrated I sent another letter to the transport department providing my driver’s license number. This time it didn’t have the logbook but the careful charming of the postage lady and a tiny white lie which told her it was an amendment letter which was supposed to be attached with my already-sent logbook got me yet another ‘free abuse’ ticket….

 

Hello,
I’m sure your elaborate governance and attention to detail within departmental records will provide a history of my battle with the new logbook policy for learner drivers. It appears that no matter what I do I cannot satisfy the needs of the transport department. While I understand the policy is written in stone and therefore personal discretion and common sense can’t be used, I’m dejectedly out of options.

 

 

Out of frustration I have burnt my learner logbook and therefore cannot provide you with the essential information you require. In the past, however, I have provided details of my driving which genuinely cover the required target presented by your stone policy. I plead that the department does the appropriate thing and deems me fit to sit the test.

 

The losers sent me a new bloody logbook! What assholes!
So now I have two….. because I didn’t really burn it.

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I shall continue to tango with the transport department purely on principal and entertainment value.

5 Comments

  1. Oh hilarious. I am so sick of QLD transport too!

    It took me over 2 months of going to their office every few days to get my car rego transferred from NSW to QLD and renewed. Every time I went back there was another inspection I needed to get done, which they had not mentioned at all previously. And then I had to get some $450 inspection done to prove it wasn’t a stolen car and was roadworthy etc. Let’s just ignore the fact that NSW rego requires you to have detailed inspections EVERY YEAR before you can re-register it (whereas QLD doesn’t have any annual checks). So, considering my car had passed the NSW checks every year, wouldn’t one think it was roadworthy? Oh, and the fact I’ve owned my car for about 6 years….yes QLD Transport, it could potentially be a stolen vehicle I pinched 6 years ago and which hasn’t been reported. Morons.

    Not to mention the wait times when you go to their offices! I’ve often waited well over an hour in the queue. Not an incredible efficient system in my opinion.

    It really is one giant circus run by mentally retarded monkeys on unicycles.

  2. Just make up some figures and put them in the log book.
    I will bet they don’t read the details, but just look to see if there is information added to it.

    Maybe instead of real dates, use startrek “star dates”.
    And the odometer readings should start from zero. That’ll fuck ‘em.

  3. I was thinking of including happy/sad faces on each entry to illustrate my mood during/before or after the trip. A legend of what the faces mean would be provided of course.

  4. Don’t worry I feel your pain with the QLD Department of Transport.

    Firstly, I had to wait until I was 18 just to get my learner license because I had to legally change my name. They would not accept my ID because my last name on my birth certificate was different to the rest of my ID.
    After I waited almost two years longer than everyone else to get a learner license, I then find out they have a form you could have just filled and get signed by a doctor to prove that I am that person. Those assholes didn’t even tell me that.

    Anyway after finally getting my Change of Name Document I finally was able to get my learner license in October 2006.

    As I was lazy in the year that my license lasted for, I had to get it renewed. I had it renewed in October 2007. Nearly four months after the new laws for learners came in. I specifically asked the person renewing my license if I needed to do a log book, because all new learners had to. She told me that I did not because I am under the old learner rules, therefore I didn’t need a log book. I asked her a final time before I left, just to make sure and she again told me no I didn’t need one.

    So I didn’t worry about it and when I had driving lessons with instructors none of them knew if I did need one or not. Now that I am ready to go for my P’s, I investigated to see if I need one, and it turns out that I do.

    My license expires in three months, I NEVER even received a log book from Queensland Transport. I have definitely done over 100 hours of driving, but have not recorded any of it. I have spent hundreds on driving lessons. Now because of some moron who told me the wrong information, I will not be getting my promotion at work, because my promotion depends on me getting my license. I seriously hate those idiots there. Every time I go there they cause my grief.

    Does anybody know if there is anything I can do to get out of the log book thing because they didn’t tell me I needed one? I doubt there is, but I thought I’d ask anyway.

  5. Ashley I’m still without a license. I hope you’ve got yours. I’ve just been to busy living my life and not worrying about the whole dilemma but was wondering if you’ve found a loophole or eventually got your license?

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