My friend Jesus

I have known Jesus since high school. He was a really switched on kid back then. I knew something was up when he decided to drop out of his Law/Psychology double degree and talk about strange things. It turns out my friend Jeremy (who believes he is Jesus) has been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia but I’ve grown a massive fondness for his new persona of Jesus. It started off with a quick remark which explained to me that he can control the weather. Later on he decided to reveal to me that all shiny yellow and blue cars belong to a secret organization which sends brain wave signals to him and keep an eye on him. We have many deep and meaningful chats and he never fails to entertain me on an outing.

Today we covered a few important topics that I would like to share with you. We debated about the meaning of life (this happens at each visit); the difference between lust and love; we also covered capacity and capability. Note that this was a fairly short outing so we couldn’t cover more as we usually do….

It started off with his question… “So what do you think the meaning of life is? What are we here for? Is it to do what we want? … What is it?” to which I traditionally answer “Why don’t you tell me Jesus?” and then he says “Because I want to know what you think” … So then I usually make up something new each time he asks me. Today I told him the meaning of life was to find the best grand piano you can and to find a beautiful house to put it in. To reach that goal he would need money or grand piano/home craftsman skills. He was enthusiastic about creating his own grand piano but didn’t make his feelings apparent right away. He was sidetracked by a new thought that came to his head….

“I want to go on a honeymoon.” to which I replied “I hope you don’t want to go with me…or by yourself. Both are equally creepy Jesus.” He said “no, I would like to have a partner of some sort to go with.” He then asked me “How do you know the difference between lust and love?” to which I explained… “Well…You know how I drink vodka sometimes but feel dirty about it and really wish I had scotch instead?” He said “No.”… … I said “Well never mind because I don’t think that has anything to do with lust or love” but then I remembered a diagram I made a very long time ago which explained the difference between lust and love in my full understanding of the matter (I have little to no understanding) so I told him about it:

Love/Lust Graph

“So Jesus, love and lust is directly dependent on physical attraction versus personality. If you find yourself totally attracted to that person and they have a great personality, then congratulations, you have found love. If she is a fine specimen but she is totally stupid and makes you want to shoot yourself, then you know you’re just there ‘for the ride’ …no pun intended. Speaking of stupid… I saw a door that said ‘keep closed at all times’ (seriously why the hell didn’t you just continue the wall instead of making a door if you wanted it closed at all times? People…sheesh). As for girls with great personalities which you don’t find physically attractive: It’s hard to say. If she’s so great that you end up being attracted to her primarily for her personality then it could be love? I’m not really sure on anything that I’m saying.”

He then said “I don’t think I am capable of making a grand piano”. I said.. “You are capable of doing anything. The only thing that’s stopping you is your crappy attitude Jesus.” Then we started fighting.. He said “not everyone is the same! We have different capacities!” and I said “Yeah but although you may have a greater capacity to learn something faster, we are all capable of getting there in the end” and he kept mentioning the word “capacity”…
Jesus: But Bruce Lee learnt to do 2 fingered push-ups much faster than it would take for my sister to learn it.
Me: Yeah so what? If she practices for 10 years I’m sure she’ll be capable of doing it.
Jesus: I agree only if we were to say anything can happen … like miracles.
Me: Well I am talking to Jesus. Surely you believe in miracles Jesus?
Jesus: But I am a good dancer. There are some people who can’t dance.
Me: But what if those people who ‘can’t dance’ try and learn for 10 years. Surely they will be able ‘to dance’?
Jesus: But not as good as me.
Me: Of course not, you’re Jesus!

This continued for the remainder of my trip home. He threw some analogy, I found some way to argue…. No doubt this is just part 1 of a blog which needs a part 2 because I feel like we have more to discuss on this subject. Stay tuned….