A letter to the Vatican

Dear Vatican Overlords,

My brother recently tried to have his son baptised to become a member of the Catholic Church; however, he was totally deterred by the arduous process and political constraints you have put on your recruitment procedure.

Firstly, he approached several churches looking to get his son baptised at these locations (based on personal preference) but he was shocked to have most of them say “Sorry, we don’t do baptism here”. Now forgive me if I’m simplifying the process of putting water on a kid’s head, but really… if McDonald’s can give me a sausage McMuffin at 6:30am at any location I go to…. Why is this so hard for a massive corporation like the Vatican to organise?

Secondly, once he found a church which actually “Did Baptism”; he was told he had to call the priest and make an appointment for a meeting/interview. According to my brother, the priest had a schedule that would rival MC Hammer’s during his late 80s to mid 90s fame. During our wait for the meeting we decided to have a look at the ‘rules’ of baptism placed by you (not Jesus). So now he realised his chosen God Parents for the child weren’t able to be the God parents because neither of them were Catholic and according to your arbitrary rules… one of them has to be. I also read somewhere if you are over 18 you need to enter into a program in which you will have to go through a year of studying before you can be baptised and confirmed. Also you need a sponsor (very similar to godparents) to guide you along in your faith. Is this true? Ironically the word ‘Catholic’ references the meaning of being ‘all embracing’ yet the religion does nothing of the sort.

The church is all about tradition, and I believe the way the Catholic Church has interpreted the biblical passages mentioning the work of John the Baptist is inaccurate and does not conform to tradition. John the Baptist never asked Jesus to book an appointment, have a meeting and bring forth God Parents. Jesus just walked up to him and said Baptise me..so he did. His recruitment process was perfect. Somewhere along the lines your CEO decided to trademark (and in the process ruin) this process with constraints and rules. These rules don’t make baptism more sacred or holy, they just filter and discourage.

Now I’m not an expert in analysis but I can certainly see that there is a direct correlation between the diminishing Catholic population and a complex recruitment process. Just in case you cannot see it I have included aids which depict the recruitment flaw and how it affects your revenue stream:

The reason why your process doesn't quite work anymore

Flaws in the recruitment process

I implore you to reconsider the baptismal procedure to incorporate more leniency and efficiency in order to adapt to the expectations of today’s society. Live up to the reputation of being ‘Catholic’ and ‘all embracing’. Make it your mission to be as accommodating as McDonalds and you will find your corporation will thrive (just like McDonalds does).

Yours Sincerely (and wishing you the very best for the future),
Uncle Concerned