I am the neighbourhood slave

So I have just realised that I am a slave to my neighbourhood and this is completely unacceptable. I don’t like being used by the people around me just because I’m too nice to say no. Everyone knows I can’t say no and so they ask me to do oppressive chores for them at no expense. This is going to stop.

It started off with a delicate phone call asking me to come and have a look at a computer that just doesn’t seem to be running well. I frustratingly dropped all the important things I was doing at the time (probably not important but far out I can do what I want because I’m not your freaking slave) and went to their place to check out this ‘unwell computer’. I get there and I’m greeted to a billion pop ups to online casinos and supposed competitions that had been won by me. Great… I felt like saying… “Oh guys, you have accessed some seriously illegal content. You need to stop using computers because you are just too useless at technology. Yeah… look it says here in this word document that you are banned from the internet….nothing I can do”. Instead I just smiled, deleted the useless crap off the computer and told them to use Firefox. Surprise surprise, the next day I get a phone call courteously telling me that I didn’t fix the problem properly and the problem is back. Angry by their attitude I decided to march over there and punch them in the face. Unfortunately I politely investigated and to my shock horror these retards used internet explorer and repeated their stupid behaviour (seriously who the hell falls for a flashing banner that says ‘you are a winner click here to download something dodgy!’. Get a clue! You fail at the internet!). If I had to make an estimated guess at how many times I have had to go over there because “my internet just stopped working” or “I can’t find my usb stick on the computer” or “my computer is turning pink” I would say I have been over there enough times, that if I provided an invoice for my time I would be able to buy a fairly appropriate sized 4WD which I would use for the sole purpose of running over their letterbox.

At the moment I am a slave to two separate households. I am collecting mail for one place who I hope are having a terrible holiday in Iraq (I don’t know where they are) and I am babysitting fish for another family because they too are hopefully lost in the Amazon somewhere (they have kids so I take this back, I hope they’re safe somewhere but not having fun). Now seriously, what kind of idiot brings over a fish tank and tells me to babysit (well this would be fishsit) their fish while they are away on holiday? They are goldfish! All I had to do was go to your place and throw turd balls into their tank every day. Why are you so stupid? You can tell they’re stupid because they actually trusted me with the fish. These guys actually saw what I did to my fish when I had them…

Ok I’ll explain… I had 3 fish that I bought from a pet store and I put them in this nice clean tank. I fed them and looked after them for at least a month… then they got boring. I thought it would be interesting if I could have mutated fish, so I decided to feed the fish Pringles, salami slices and put them under all kinds of dietary experiments. Unfortunately the fish died (but not before having babies). I’m telling you these baby fish were insanely mutated. They survived in dirty Pringle water for a very long time, then someone stole my tank and to this day don’t know what happened to them (and I don’t care, fish are stupid).

I feel a bit stressed out because I never really took note of how many fish the tank had in it when it was given to me for caretaking. The tank seems a little roomier these days even though the fish seem so much bigger. I may just be paranoid but seriously these things are supposed to be goldfish yet they are obese and look like giant mutated sea bass. They just look pregnant all the time…. and they are always hungry and looking for food. I feel bad because when I walk past they make their ‘I’m hungry faces’ at me and I fix them up with their turd balls around three or four times a day. How many times a day do you feed fat goldfish? As soon as the turd balls hit the water they go nuts (I swear pet food manufacturers drug our pets but this is another conspiracy that I may write about later if I remember).

The turd balls given to me by their owners is very much close to running out. When this runs out I am definitely not going to buy them new food. I will probably give them Pringles or share my noodles with them, but no way am I paying for fish food to keep someone else’s fish alive. Get stuffed.

I am highly contemplating the idea of creating an invoice for all my services. When these guys return from holidays I will provide them with 30 days to pay my bill or they will not get their fish and mail back:

Formal Invoice for my services

I would take a photo of the fish but I’m way too drunk to figure out how to do the whole photo taking, uploading mathemagics.